Department Of Disappointed Dads

Department Of Disappointed Dads – 01/10/18

Department Of Disappointed Dads - Weekly Wasteland

Dear DoDD,

I have a problem. I believe I met the love of my life; He’s smart, handsome, kind, has a good job, makes me laugh, everything that I look for in a man. The only problem is, I come from a traditional Catholic family and he practices the occult arts. I don’t really understand it, but he’s been performing these… rituals… for a long time, and doesn’t have any plans to put the wand away. I don’t REALLY mind, but if my family knew about his affiliation with dark arts they would totally freak out. I also find myself wondering, what if we have kids? Will they have to be little witches and warlocks too? What sort of wedding ceremony could we plan that wouldn’t result in either side of the family feeling alienated. I still love him in every other way, though, and it’s not even as though I don’t love this part of him… I guess I’m just worried about potential future conflicts is all. What should I do?
Nervous About The Occult
New Palestine, IN

Marshall Hackner:

Now, here’s the thing. One time I found my son Andrew playin’ around in a dress. His mom was whacked out all manner of barbiturates, antidepressants, you-name-it at the time, and fortunately for her sake had no clue what was going on. It’s not her fault, really, Andy has always been a hard kid to love… Luckily, once his brother Brandon was born she snapped out of her deep depression and finally found the will to live again…

Anyway, when Andrew was 6 I came home from work and found that little shit in his mom’s dress. I always knew the boy was funny but no dad wants to catch an eyeful of their boy in drag. I didn’t know what to do, he’s was still too young to visit Wooly Wanda’s so I could buy ‘im a girl. I just asked him “son, why are you wearing your mom’s dress?”, and he said, “It’s my wizard robe.” I just about broke that boy’s damn neck. Now, you might think, “Hey Marshall, being a wizard is pretty sissy too”, and I would generally agree, but until you walk in on the fruit of your loins, your flesh and blood, your name, your whole damn legacy… wearin’ dress I don’t wanna hear it.

That said, I appreciate that your significant other has a well paying career. I’d give my left nut for lil’ Andy to get a good job so I could goddamn die in peace knowing he won’t be a burden on Brandon, and his poor mom.

Ayhan Uzun:

لقد جعلك الكافر ونجسك. الموت هو أفضل من الشرف كنت قد طغت على عائلتك. أنا لا أرى أي مسار آخر ولكن قتل الذات الشرف.

Berry Windford:

This is something I’ve already had to deal with and I’m gonna shoot straight from the hip here: Wizards don’t make no damn good boyfriends, OR son-in-laws. Marshall can kiss my hairy ass with this “if he’s got a good job” line of bullshit. I’ll tell you what that New Age son of a bitch has: Schizophrenia. Even if he does have a good job RIGHT NOW, I can’t see a grown man who thinks he’s Gandolf the fucking Grey to be able to keep his shit together long enough to make a secure life for either of you. Instead, him to eventually be prancing around with his silly fairy magic, not getting a job because he thinks he’s gonna become a famous fucking actor or some ridiculous pipedream like that. And then when you ask him how he’s going to accomplish these goals they just give you a blank stare and say some garbage about Elliot Crowney and how their will is gonna make it happen! It’s like spitting in my GODDAMN FACE! Your WILL? So you mean you’re just gonna sit around on the couch all day, and HOPE something happens, while my daughter’s out workin’ her ass off to support his dead beat occult HORSHIT. Get as far away from this creep as you possible can! He ain’t gonna bring no good to your life! WILL yourself out of my daughter’s life ASAP!

Department Of Disappointed Dads (DoDD)

About Department Of Disappointed Dads (DoDD)

The 'Department of Disappointed Dads' (DoDD) are a trio of fathers who feel their duty is to give advice online to those in need so that others do not befall the same disappointing trappings of their own adult children. You can trust their no-frills life-lessons won't beat around the bush, doling out tough love, and their own unique brand of wisdom that can only come from having your child be a complete and utter failure.
View all posts by Department Of Disappointed Dads (DoDD) →

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *