Discordian Parenting 101

Discordian Parent Q & A – 01/08/18

Discordian Parenting 101 - Weekly Wasteland

Simply put, Discordian Parenting 101™ is a workshop which aims to prevent Discordian Parents™ from turning their children’s lives into a living hell.

We cover important child-rearing topics such as how to avoid putting addiction before your offspring, why it’s NOT okay to eat OR sell your young, and ways in which to behave like a responsible, fully-functioning adult!

If you know a Discordian Parent™ please share this series with them–It could save a life!

Q: My son wants to eat something other than White Castle burgers and Frosted Flakes. I smacked that ungrateful shit right in the mouth… But… It got me thinkin’… You reckon I should pick up some Flamin’ Hot Cheetos to round out his diet?

A: I would like to refer you to the Food Pyramid, also known as the five food groups:

01. Vegetables and legumes/beans.
02. Fruit.
03. Grain (cereal) foods, mostly wholegrain and/or high cereal fibre varieties.
04. Lean meats and poultry, fish, eggs, tofu, nuts and seeds and legumes/beans.
05. Milk, yogurt cheese and/or alternatives, mostly reduced fat.

For a child–or any human being–it is important to consume a balanced variation of these foods. What is refereed to as “fast food” has little to no nutritional value, and surgery cereals could lead to childhood obesity and a slew of other health issues. Please seek further advice on what to feed your child from the link below: (Clicking the link is free…)


Q: My daughter said a boy was picking on her at school today. Should I tell my child to describe her Kung-Fu and spell casting ability in order to scare him away?

A: Yes, and likewise propose that she detail her almost God-like ability to “hack computers”. This is what’s known as the “Holy Trinity” of Discordian bad-assery.

Q: My child is seven years old. Is it too late to have an abortion?

A: Yes, any abortion at this point would be considered “murder” and are prosecutable in a court of law. We highly recommend contacting your local social services office, or adoption agency, as you will be able to legally absolve yourself of parental responsibility via the proper channels.

Q: How many times is normal to hit your kids before they clean the kitchen?

A: While opinions on “spanking” vary, it should never be a first resort in prodding your child to perform simple chores. Children thrive when given structure, and maintaining a chore schedule is fundamental to an adolescence’s developing sense of responsibility. Talk to your child about his or her role in the household, and if you are able, offer an allowance in exchange for completed chores. Conversely, punishments for failing to complete chores could be grounding, temporary loss of allowance, confiscation of a favorite toy or electronic device, etc. Using any of these alternatives I think you will find violence totally unnecessary!

St. Äma

About St. Äma

CIS Reptilian Shapeshifter, Professional Gang Stalker, Moon Base Dweller, Devil's Advocate, 3000 Years Old, Best Internet Friend You Could Ever Have
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