Discordian Parenting 101

Discordian Parent™ Q&A – 01/07/18

Discordian Parenting 101 - Weekly Wasteland

Simply put, Discordian Parenting 101™ is a workshop which aims to prevent Discordian Parents™ from turning their children’s lives into a living hell.

We cover important child-rearing topics such as how to avoid putting addiction before your offspring, why it’s NOT okay to eat OR sell your young, and ways in which to behave like a responsible, fully-functioning adult!

If you know a Discordian Parent™ please share this series with them–It could save a life!

Q: How much Adderall is safe to give my kid at one time?

A: Any amount that is not prescribed by a medical professional is an unsafe amount of Adderall for your child. If your minor has been prescribed Adderall for ADHD or any other ailment, please read the bottle and follow the dosing instructions provided by your doctor.

Q: If I keep all my money in bitcoin can I continue recieving food stamps?

A: This is an issue we run into a lot with Discordians. They believe bitcoin is going to be the best new anarchist currency, but that simply is not true. Bitcoins are more akin to fidget spinners, or the dot com boom. Cryptocurrency will not sustain, and will eventually be rendered worthless. So in theory, yes, you could still get food stamps if all of your money was in the form of bitcoins, however, I would strongly advise against doing so.

Q: The man I’m dating thinks my son acts like a little girly-boy. Should I force him to have a sex change?

A: While 9 out of 10 Discordian Parents™ would immediately head to Mexico for a quick ‘n easy black market sex change, this is NOT the actions I, nor any other sane, responsible adult would ever entertain. Some boys can be a bit feminine, especially before they hit puberty. He will eventually either grow out of it, or maintain dainty mannerisms for the rest of his life. Both of which are perfectly acceptable. It is better to wait for your child to become an adult so that they can make these life-changing decisions on their own, if he indeed even wishes to switch genders.

Q: Äma, if I’m doing a lot of meth and haven’t been hungry for days. Does this kid still need to eat? God, parenting is confusing!

A: While you might not be hungry, children’s needs work independently from that of their parents. For example, just because you are able to stay up for days on end does not mean your child will be able to. Therefore, yes, it is extremely important to feed your child despite your own lack of appetite. This likewise goes for sleeping, bathing, entertainment and education.

St. Äma

About St. Äma

CIS Reptilian Shapeshifter, Professional Gang Stalker, Moon Base Dweller, Devil's Advocate, 3000 Years Old, Best Internet Friend You Could Ever Have
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