Simply put, Discordian Parenting 101™ is a workshop which aims to prevent Discordian Parents™ from turning their children’s lives into a living hell.
We cover important child-rearing topics such as how to avoid putting addiction before your offspring, why it’s NOT okay to eat OR sell your young, and ways in which to behave like a responsible, fully-functioning adult!
If you know a Discordian Parent™ please share this series with them–It could save a life!
Q: My daughter is failing math. How many mgs of LSD do you think I should microdose her with (she’s 12, btw)?
A: If your daughter is having trouble in math you should try getting her a tutor. LSD is not a reliable study aid and poses great risk to your child’s mental and emotional well-being.
Q: I have this neighbor who’s a single, childless, middle-aged man. He offered to babysit for FREE which is GREAT because I could really use some ME TIME! Do you think it would be rude if I left my kids with him all night so I can paint the town red with my girlfriends?
A: You should be much more skeptical of leaving your children with a stranger. While it is unfair to outright accuse this man of being a pedophile, you are still being reckless and extremely naive in your actions. Please re-evaluate your priorities and place your child’s safety before your need to party.
Q: How young is too young for a child to get their first job? My son’s friends keep asking to buy weed from me but since I could get into a lot of trouble for selling to minors, I think it’s high time my boy learns about running his own business!
A: Involving your child in illegal drug trafficking, while considered “DISCO AF”, is a terrible idea. You would not only be putting your child in legal jeopardy, but you yourself could be incarcerated for your role in this decidedly criminal behavior. It would be better for your minor to get a paper route, mow lawns, or perhaps even flip burgers at a local fast food joint. Labor laws vary by state, but generally the legal age of employment is 15 – 16 years old.
Q: I bought my kid a goldfish recently. She squeezed it until its eyes popped out… Do you think I should get her a turtle?
A: No, you need to have a conversation with your child about death. If you think they are ready to behave responsibly try another goldfish. If a similar incident occurs you should take your young one to a licensed psychologist and refrain from adopting pets until a later age or their mental health improves.