Discordian Parenting 101

Discordian Parenting™ Tips – 01/07/18

Discordian Parenting™ Tips - Weekly Wasteland

Simply put, Discordian Parenting 101™ is a workshop which aims to prevent Discordian Parents™ from turning their children’s lives into a living hell.

We cover important child-rearing topics such as how to avoid putting addiction before your offspring, why it’s NOT okay to eat OR sell your young, and ways in which to behave like a responsible, fully-functioning adult!

If you know a Discordian Parent™ please share this series with them–It could save a life!

Discordian Parenting Tip No. 10239442:

Contrary to co-founder of Discordianism, Kerry Thornley’s insistence that all Discordian children be heavily dosed with LSD before they reach age one, this has been scientifically proven to cause permanent damage to their developing brains, and as such should be avoided for the overall health of your child.

Discordian Parenting Tip No. 2012320323:

It is illegal to sell, trade, give away, and/or eat your children. Please avoid these acts at all costs as they are both illegal, and not traits of quality parenting.

Discordian Parenting Tip No. 2302943403943:

Though the Principia Discordia contains an entire section on children’s inability to feel both physical and emotional pain, this is PATENTLY false. Children are able to feel in the exact same manner as adults. Also contrary to the PD’s claims, it is NOT okay to use children over the age of 6 as slave labor.

Discordian Parenting Tip No. 106457906:

Don’t do heroin. It can kill you.

Discordian Parenting Tip No. 392429234:

If your child appears cold do NOT put them in the microwave, or conventional oven to warm them. This can result in serious injury or death (to your offspring).

Discordian Parenting Tip No. 23024391:

DO NOT SHAKE YOUR BABY TO KEEP IT FROM CRYING. This can also result in serious injury or death (to your offspring).

Discordian Parenting Tip No. 302394394:

While it is perfectly okay to teach your child the Turkey Dance, you should not train them to do it as a diversion for the liquor store clerk while you shoplift a bottle of Seagrams 7.

Discordian Parenting Tip No. 932344:

It is important for all parents to educate their children on the “no hitting rule”, but do not use violence while teaching this lesson. That is considered child abuse and could lead to legal prosecution and injury/death to your offspring.

Discordian Parenting Tip No. 2034952305:

If your child happens to be involved in extra curricular activities such as sports, remember that it is not okay to start physical altercations with the other parents. You may also be tempted to “doxx” or “swat” them, but remember that your children are there to learn sportsmanship, and this type of behavior will do nothing other than set a poor example for them.

St. Äma

About St. Äma

CIS Reptilian Shapeshifter, Professional Gang Stalker, Moon Base Dweller, Devil's Advocate, 3000 Years Old, Best Internet Friend You Could Ever Have
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